Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Pregnancy is a trip

I don't know what I thought it would be like to be pregnant, but now that I am, I can't remember what it was like to not be pregnant.  This whole adventure has been chock full of excitement, anxiety, and changes beyond what I ever imagined. 

I can officially say I hate women who claim things like: "Oh, I just loved being pregnant!"  Tell me lady, what exactly did you love about it?  Getting fat? Having gas all the time?  Heartburn up to your nose?  Relationship stress and changes?  Having to spend all your money preparing?  Peeing all night?  Having random people touch your body?  What is so glorious about these 9 (actually 10) months? 

I started out with bad morning sickness that made me lose a lot of weight.  Which made me constantly worry and feel guilty.  Now that the morning sickness is gone, the pounds are piling on it seems and I'm sorry, but after battling being overweight since I was 12, it's not easy.  The image of being thin and beautiful does not go away when you all the sudden have an alien living inside of you. 

Being pregnant in Thailand is even more of a trip.  I am away from my best friends and my loving family and I miss them daily.  I know this is a choice I made, but it continues to be a difficult one every day.  There are few people in this little town that I can relate to, so I end up turning to my one confidant and that is Amon.  He has been incredibly gracious in listening to my whining and putting up with my moods, but I can't help wonder if one day he will get tired of it all? 

I constantly have Thai people telling me that my stomach is too small for how pregnant I am.  This makes me feel guilty.  Even though the doctors all say the baby is measuring fine.  I am either too fat, or not fat enough in this country.  I can't eat chili (which I crave all the time), I can't wear tight pants because the baby can't breathe (the baby doesn't breathe you idiots), I should exercise more, but I can't swim, run, or walk, it's perfectly OK to eat raw fish and why in the hell am I not eating fish?  I shouldn't bother buying a crib or a rocking chair or even having a nursery because it is bad luck to prepare all this before the baby comes, I should have bought land and built a house before getting pregnant, and so on and so forth.  All these rules and customs that are not my own are constantly thrown at me by Karen, Thai, Burmese and Mon people.  I know that their intentions are well, and that yes, it does take a village, but sometimes I just miss my own culture and how we do pregnancy. 

I broke down and bought the "What To Expect" book today.  At least I can get a little perspective of what it's like outside of this country.

I worry all the time about settling here in Thailand.  Is this really the right place for me?  Why did everything happen so fast?  Why did I let it happen so fast?  What happens when my money runs out?  Am I really going to realistically be able to travel to America 3 months out of the year for work?  What about the kid's school?  Where will he go to school and how will I take him with me to the states if he's in school?  Will I ever be able to work and get paid as a nurse in this country?  What if I have to leave Thailand to go back and live in America? 

Please, don't get me wrong.  I love my people in that country and it is a good country and I miss it, but the idea of living there again, especially as a single mom... that's the one thing that terrifies me more than anything else.  My heart races just thinking about it.  I wasn't happy there when I left, and even though circumstances have changed, I just can't picture myself back there and happy.  It's become pretty much a fact that Amon will not go with me to the states.  To live or, unfortunately, even to travel.  He cannot justify spending 6 months of income on a trip that doesn't produce anything in return.  Asians don't travel for the fun or excitement of it, they travel for work.  And that is just something in his culture that I've come to accept, kind of like he has accepted that I have to go back from time to time.  It's sad and strange that most of my family won't get to meet the father of my child unless they venture here.  But, alas, this is the path I have chosen. 

Becoming pregnant has turned my life upside down and twisted it around in so many ways.  Most of the changes are good, but damn, this has already been the hardest thing I have ever done.  Everyone says that it's worth it though.  It better be.