What I will miss

I tend to focus a lot... OK, more than a lot, on what I do not like about Sangkhlaburi, and Thailand in general.  It is for sure a hard life, as you've seen in previous posts.  But there really is so much, so much, I appreciate.  I am sorry I have eluded you all into thinking this place is god-awful.  It's not.  I mean yeah, the power goes out daily, the water is brown, the education sucks is lacking, and the culture is at times mind-boggling.  But, here are a few of the things I will miss, and what will probably bring us back to Thailand one day.

1.  The community.  My goodness I cannot emphasize this enough.  Anywhere we go in this little village we have people looking out for us.  If my motorbike runs out of gas, boom, 3 seconds later I have a ride to the marker to get more.  If Asher goes out into the street, the neighbors will grab him, in fact, anyone walking by will grab him and bring him home.  We cannot drive 2 feet without someone honking at us to say hello, asking us if we've eaten yet.  People stop and lean down on Asher's level and talk with him, give him hugs, and generally let him know his is treasured.  If something were to happen to any one of us, the community would step up in a heart beat.  If I got into a crash or something, someone would be on the phone to Amon or at our doorstep within seconds to let him know. We are always being fed.  We would never go hungry because we can just pop into a friend's house, without notice, and they will feed us.  Our front door is always open (except at night) for the same reason.  If Amon needs help moving or working or getting me food when I am sick, all it takes is one phone call and we have friends available, no strings attached. 

2. The importance and understanding of children.  Asher is a maniac guys.  Like, he is pretty much unstoppable on a day to day basis.  He doesn't walk, but runs, where ever we go.  He is constantly grabbing, snatching, touching, bouncing... on everything.  Yet, I have not heard one complaint.  Not one.  Not one person has said "you need to control your child", not one person has given me a dirty look for having a very active little boy.  There is a general understanding that this is normal, completely normal behavior.  He will never be diagnosed with ADHD here, because it doesn't exist.  We were at a friend's house the other night for a birthday party and Asher was going insane after having a piece of sugary cake.  I'm talking full on running in circles, shouting, swinging on a random rope in the room, and being quite obnoxious.  I was getting a little nervous, like, um, we need to leave, ASAP before he breaks someone.  But Amon and his friends just sat and laughed, "what a cutie!"  "Very naughty!"  "Very strong boy, that is so good."  Will I ever hear those phrases in relation to my wild child again? 

3.  Gender neutrality.  Everyone knows Thailand is famous for Ladyboys right?  But they aren't just in strip clubs, like we are led to think in the west.  No, they are a part of the every day fabric that makes up this country.  They are TV hosts, superstars, and your every day cashier.  They are you and me, and guess which restroom they use?  I don't know, and no one cares!  Often men and women will share bathrooms here without a second glance.  The same is true of lesbians, or "Tom" as they say in Thai.  LGBTQ and whatever you identify yourself with is so completely accepted by everyone, it is such a nonissue.  I can dress my son in pink and put a pony tail in his hair and never do I hear a "that's too girly", or any statement of the sort.  Amon still wears his hair in pony-tails, like the high up spout kind that children wear, and I think it's the most awesome thing ever.  He also wears headbands on occasion.  He is never called "gay", his sexuality is never called into question because of the way he dresses, as it should be.  I really wish the West would catch on in this department. 

4. The selfless-ness and pure generosity.  I've touched on this before, but seriously, just can't get over it.  Someone with nothing to give will literally give you the shirt off their back if you needed it.  A family with very little to eat will invite you into their home and feed you, because that's what you do.  And don't you dare turn them down, that's rude.  One for me and one for you is so common-place.  Often times it's more like, two for you, none for me, all with a wide smile.  Too many examples flood my mind, but one in particular merits a story:  I used to do relief work in the jungle, bringing rice and beans and medicines to old people or people who didn't have any work.  I am talking dirt poor people, with just a roof over their heads, if that.  But this one little old lady, whenever we went to her house she would give us the limes from her tree.  She could sell those  and make a little money, but no, she gave us stacks every time we came.  There was no if and or buts about it either, you took those limes home with you and you made freaking limeaide.  And the smiles... oh my, the smiles.  I will miss those, so much.

Asher and one of his favorite "Yai's"- Grandmother in Thai.

Five Years in the Making

Well folks, it's been five years.  I can't believe it myself.  What was supposed to be a six month stint as a volunteer in Thailand has turned into five of the hardest, most challenging and most beautiful and rewarding years of my life.  Without a doubt.  And now, this chapter is coming to a close.  Almost five years to the date, ironically enough, we are about to venture off into another world, another land, where our roles will reverse, where our lives will do a complete 180.  We are scared, but we are excited for this new beginning.

I thought I'd write about what all these past five years have encompassed.  I may have written this list of "achievements" in another blog, but that was long ago, certainly before Asher.  So I've added to it and amended it.

In the past five years I have:

Run a clinic in a children's home for one year
Organized medical outreach for the surrounding villages
Learned Thai and some Burmese
Mass vaccinated the children of Baan Unrak
Carried an 11 year old boy on my back for at least 2 miles up a muddy track after his foot got smashed between the back of the truck and a rock.  That was fun times.  Oh did I mention that rumor had it that two weeks prior two little girls were beheaded on this track by Burmese soldiers?
Been chased by several rabid dogs down a road made of sand after just learning to drive a motorbike.
Slept on more concrete floors than I can remember.
Now think that a bamboo house is a luxury
Been stranded on roads due to a broken down motorbike and been helped by complete strangers within minutes.
Drove five hours in the muddy Shan cliffs and hills of Burma during a war.
Gotten accepted to work with MSF (Doctors Without Borders)
*Given birth in a completely rural (although private) hospital, without pain medication or even the option for pain medication.
 Been chased out of Burma by a soldier with a very large gun. 
Jumped off bridges, swam in waterfalls, danced in the rain, on a regular basis.
Lived without hot water, a fridge, a washing machine or a stove for over a year.  And still don't have half of those things!
Thought cheese was/is a luxury
Learned how to build a bamboo house
Lived as a single parent in a foreign country with no friends or family.  The hardest thing I have ever done, without a doubt.

And so many more things I have learned and experienced and lived to tell the tales of!  I can't imagine where I would be now if I hadn't made that choice 6 years ago to apply to volunteer at this strange children's home in the middle of nowhere.  Did I ever tell you the story of how I ended up here?

 Well, I had always wanted to come to Thailand (after reading that horrible book called "The Beach"... don't ask me) and it took several years but then it just happened.  I was working as a hospice nurse doing home hospice and I got a patient transferred to me from another nurse.  I didn't want this patient at all, I threw a hissy fit, because of the stories that other people told.  Cockroaches in the house, a huge language barrier, more kids than rooms in their tiny Aurora apartment in a dangerous neighborhood.  But then I got to know the most beautiful people I've ever met.  This man and his family changed my life.  They were Karen refugees from Burma, having been transplanted to Denver via the UNHCR because the father was sick with ALS.  Every time I did a visit with him it would take hours, we had to find a translator, often resorting to the language line, and the learning curve was huge.  But then I started learning more about their story and their history and culture and I fell for it.  I would stay after hours and sit and chat with them, I would make it a point to make him my last visit of the day so I could learn more about these people.  They would show me videos of life in Burma, the endless wars, they would go to 7-11 and buy me hotdogs (I was a vegetarian!) because that's how you do it in their culture, you feed your guests.  And I could see that this was a very special family.  I then decided to make that life long dream come true and started looking at places to volunteer in Thailand.  I looked up volunteering with Karen refugees, and, after weeks of searching I happened upon Baan Unrak.  In Sangkhlaburi, surrounded by refugee camps and 15 minutes from the border to Burma. Perfect. 

And the rest is history.

The Karen father who inspired this has since died, and I have tried several times to visit his family but they have moved.  And now I am bringing back my own Karen family.  Kind of crazy how things turn out.

*By the way, if you would like to read my birth story, and other incredible stories of travelers and their health care endeavors in other worlds, please check out the book Achoo! by my very good friend Taylor Chase.  You can buy it here.  It is only $0.99 and the proceeds go to charity. 

Inspirational Quotes can kiss my...

I've been seeing a lot of these "inspirational quotes" on my Facebook wall for some time now.  I had previously agreed with them (I even had a "leap and the net will appear" postcard on my literal wall at home for many years), but now they are getting obnoxious.  I don't need an "inspiration for the day", my life should suffice enough. 

The one that really gets my goad, so to speak, is this one:

This is good for my fellow young, or not so young, Americans.  Give up everything you have, forget about your future, and just go.  Hell, I did it.  It's why I am currently sitting here, in a tiny village in Thailand, writing a blog post.  Sounds romantic as hell doesn't it?

No.  It's not.  It's by far the hardest and stupidest thing I have ever done.  I had it going good before I left.  I was making 65k a year, had a nice car, took international vacations twice a year, was on track to being a millionaire by the time I was 65.  Granted I was younger, had no kids, and worked 50+ hour weeks.  I did not enjoy my job per say, but I enjoyed the work I did.  It was OK.

It's all about experience though isn't it?  If I'd never decided to quit my job, move to Thailand, I wouldn't have my son, or my husband, who I love dearly.  My life would be easier, in so many ways I cannot even count, but I wouldn't have the two most precious things in my life.  But what I don't have is a savings account, I barely get by month to month, we are always struggling for money.  I don't have a retirement fund any longer (I cashed it out to buy land here, which I thought was a good investment but has since tanked since the drought).  I worry about when I get older and have nothing in my name to speak of, to take care of me except poor Asher.  Let's also mention here that I miss my family like hell.  My son will never be as close to his grandparents, his auntie and his uncle as some other kids are.  I miss my friends and the normality of my culture, the nuances that make up every day life for us in America.  I know marriage is hard, but add to that a completely different culture and beliefs, well sometimes it's enough to make me want to quit.  To the short of it: I will never be 100% happy again.  Never.  I will always be homesick, missing one place, one set of family, one life, for the rest of my life.  It's a fact that I've come to burden.

Another one that really gets to me:

Did you know that about 80% of the world makes just enough money to eat and sleep under a roof each night?  God, this is such first world thinking.  To have the privilege to just quit your job and move away.  To what?  To experience how the rest of the world lives in poverty?  You won't experience it until you live it.  And you won't live it till you live it, which you can't because you are not them.  For example, a nice little Karen family here makes 4,000 baht ($112) per month.  And that's decent, average wages here.  They live in a bamboo house that they built themselves, probably borrowing money from someone to do so.  A bamboo house costs around 10,000 baht ($280).  They don't have a mortgage, but they may have a motorbike they have to pay 500 baht ($14) per month for at 5% interest.  That leaves 3,500 ($98) for petrol, food, and school supplies for the kids.  There is no eating out, there is no saving money, they literally live hand to mouth because it is the only way they can live.  There is no chance of getting out of it.  If you are poor, you stay poor.  Period, end of discussion.  There are no education opportunities to "further themselves".  Even those lucky enough to have gone to university still work in the market making 4,000 baht per month.  An addition to this is that many of these people are stateless... they literally cannot leave this tiny town, even if they had the means and the desire.  It's a dead end. 

The ability, or even the idea, of quitting and going somewhere else is so foreign to most of the world.  They are happy enough in their own small communities, they know they don't have much, but they make do.  If only we could find that happiness and contentedness in our own lives instead of having to "quit" or "dive" or "fall and the net will appear". 

So I guess, think twice before you "quit your job, buy a ticket, get a tan, fall in love and never return".  Plus, skin cancer is on the rise, so I'd just go ahead and skip the tan anyway. And here's a nice article on why not to go into an intercultural marriage.

Does anyone else have any insight on this?  I'd love to hear!

Renewed, and renewed again

Do you ever look back to a time in your life and shudder?  To think, I went through that.  At the time it didn't feel so awful, but looking back you realize how utterly miserable you were?  Well, that's what's happening now with me, in respect to living in Krabi.  If I've ever made a right decision, it was the one to move back to Sangkhla.  Bugs, mold, dirt and illness be dammed, at least I am safe, with family.  Granted Krabi is still very fresh in my mind, so maybe my feelings toward the place will ease up a bit with time, but it is vaguely reminiscent of the time when I lived in San Fransisco for a year when I was 20, the memory still leaves a slightly bad taste in my mouth.

It ended badly, my time there.  I have never been one to start fights or make disagreements known to the general public, but lately I've been speaking my mind.  It seems that people don't appreciate this as much as I do.  The nursery I was working at was a sham, a "montessori school" that charged parents too much and was actually just a big room filled with broken toys.  Somewhere along the line I realized how miserable we were there, after a visit to Sangkla where we felt warmth and love that we'd been craving, and I decided to leave Krabi.  All the drama ensued at my place of employment after I gave my three week notice.  Apparently three weeks is short of standard, and I was treated with such disrespect, such catty-ness, that I really should have just walked out.  At the end I never got paid for those last three weeks, all because of some gossip surrounding my outspoken-ness.  Well, so be it.  Some people just love to be miserable and create misery wherever they go.

Anyhow, the one good thing about Krabi was Asher's school.  It was a true Montessori school and he learned so much there.  We are trying to keep up with teaching him at home, but I know I fall short in a lot of ways.  He is so much happier though, he is with his Papa, and that bond is so incredible I don't know how I could have taken it away from them for so long.  Asher will start to go to the local nursery next month, and I am a bit more than apprehensive about that, but if I don't try I won't know.  At the very least he will learn more Thai, which is really important to Amon and I.  He's also learning his native language, Karen, and all about jungle life.  And that, in this world of chaos, is so important to me.  That he know how to build a house out of bamboo, which plants he can eat, how to use a machete... OK, OK, I know, he's only two.  But still, these are the life skills I admire so much in my husband.

As far as my life, for now I am taking a breather.  I know I don't deserve this, I don't deserve anything actually, but I need it.  I need to be still and just... breathe.  For a minute.  For the last 2 weeks I have been truly living in the moment, really trying not to worry or obsess over the future or the past, and let me tell you, these have been the happiest two weeks in recent memory, without a doubt.  It's unfortunate that that kind of thinking is not sustainable for me though.  I do need to figure out something for a job, if not for money (we actually do need that, I suppose), then for getting out and doing something again.  There are some options on the horizon, but for the time being I will be finally setting up Amon's tour.  We'll see where that goes, but my hopes are high.  I have also put my name and face back out to the NGO community where I hope to get some volunteer gigs, and teaching English to little ones in now something I actually have experience in, so bring that on too if need be.

Life is funny.  No matter how hard I try to run away from certain places, people, and environs, I am continuously called back.  I am not done here.  What is it that Sangkhlaburi, this little village in the jungle, has to teach me?