Back.

Being back in Sangkhla after a 6 month hiatus in America.   It’s a lot harder than I thought.  Everyday is a fight… I fight with Amon, I fight with my surroundings, I fight for my child’s safety, health and wellbeing.  From the bugs, the mold, to the absolute filth I live in.  The stench of the morning drain in my kitchen.  The fear of poisoning my son accidentally with rotten foods.  Always with people trying to give him sugar, sweets, cigarettes and even beer.  Mosquitoes biting us, electricity running out daily.  Bugs in my bathroom, giant ants coving my living room floor.  This is the jungle.  I know it, so well.  People call out to us when we walk down the street: Hey Falang!  Look!  Falang baby!  Or they stare, stare, stare with glares.  I know they are not being malicious or mean, they are just ignorant.  Ingnorance here.   So much un-education.  So much.  How can I live in a place that has nothing to offer us?  No future?  We are drowning… Not making enough money to buy things, almost not enough even to eat.  I didn’t save enough money in America.  We have to pay the rent, the electric and water bills, but there is no money.  My son always saying “bye-bye?”  Like he too wants to escape.  I have to tell him, “sorry baby, there is nowhere to go”.  The heat, the moisture.  8am and already sweating.  My legs full of bruises.  Malnourished.  No veg for days, no fruit aside from watermelon.  My baby is not eating anything except for sweets and hotdogs.  Hotdogs full of chemicals and processed cheese.  He too has black circles under his eyes and has already lost weight.   The multi-vitamin I give him every morning is not enough.   What can I do?  What more can I do?  Will it get better?  Or worse, like it usually does?  What now?