I don't know what it is... Well, I do know. Everything is new, but a lot is the same. I don't know why I am surprised. This is still Thailand, there are still ants in my house, scorpions, Thai workers smoking outside my door so the smoke fills my room, apartments that are dark and dank and neglected, lots full of trash. There are less stares as I am now a part of the majority rather than the minority because I am white and have a white baby, but people still take Asher from me and bring him into their house without asking, steal him to pose for a photo, and threaten to give him sweets.
Why did I move from Sangkhla? The house? Yes, our home was disgusting. It got to the point where I didn't want to step foot inside the kitchen for fear of catching some unknown disease. I stopped cooking and would only go in there to do laundry once every other day. Here the kitchen is inside the house, like a proper kitchen, with a counter and a sink. I've put the washing machine back there too so it feels almost European.
Did I move from the bugs? Well, sort of, but I moved into a whole new territory of bugs. There are insects here I've never seen. And I have to say, while I had the occasional snake in my house in Sangkla, I never had scorpions, so it was only natural for me to burst into a full on panic attack when Amon found two giant black ones in my hallway. Thank goodness he was still here at the time, I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't here to capture them.
I moved to give Asher a better education. But he is two. Let's be real. How much education does a two year old need? Does he really need a 7,500 baht per month education? Well it is clean, spotless, and they speak Thai and English, and they are all Montessori trained... He could go to nursery for free in Sangkla and still learn Karen and Thai, but with the possibility of being beaten and given candy all day...
I moved so I could be a nurse again. But the International hospital hasn't gotten back to me after two trips there and several phone calls and emails. The second time I went there they just looked at me and said, "why did you come back?" Not so politely. So I did find a job, working in a daycare, which is ironic because I had come back to Thailand with the intent on staying home with Asher and running a sort of daycare out of the house. Well after about a week of being home with him and having fuck all to do, I threw in the towel. I tried, I did, but staying at home isn't for me. So now I will leave Asher at his school, so I can go take care of other people's children.
Amon and I weren't making enough money in Sangkla. Well, I was making zero money and his money was gone after the first day of getting paid. So that wasn't working out. I came here to make more money, but will barely have enough to pay the bills. If Amon were here that would be a different story. But he's not. I'll get to that later.
I hated that in Sangkla there was nothing to do. NOTHING. Go to the bridge. Go to 7-11 or CJs. But too hot in the day to actually go outside, so really stay inside all day until you are about to go insane and just at the breaking point the sun starts to set, the wind picks up, and you move outside. We had no friends there, everyone knew us, but we had no one to sit and play or talk with. Here we know some people already who also moved from Sangkla, Baan Unrak related people, and the potential to make many more friends as this is a big expat community. There are mom clubs people. MOM CLUBS. There is a playground, and yeah, it is still filled with trash and quite run down, but it is a place where I can let my hyperactive toddler run his brains out without me worrying too much about him being hit by a car or stolen by a neighbor. There is a big shopping center, and while I don't have the money to buy anything, it is still nice to go there and imagine the possibilities. A couch! A real couch! Real curtains, a bed, a side table! Stuff, all just stuff. I can go without it, obviously, but it is still nice to sit on a couch at the end of the day. I guess that's just the American in me.
So, Amon. Oh man, where to even begin? Admittedly I did spring this on him quite suddenly. I had just come back from America when all the sudden nothing was good enough. I had seen how good life could be in the states and wanted to replicate that in Thailand. The only way I could see doing that is to move out of the jungle. I thought about this tour company we've been planning, I though of ways to stay at home and earn money, but nothing seemed feasable, and we would still be in that stinking dump of a town. OK, that's a bit harsh, but by the end that's how I felt about it. I would still have to stay at home with Asher because finding reliable childcare is impossible and he can't go to nursery until May. I would still have to listen to the neighbor beat his new wife, the other neighbor wash their pig intestines, the other neighbor stumble around drunk at 8am. I needed out. Amon saw every day how unhappy I was. He would come home and I would be in tears, again, because I just couldn't do it. And then he would leave again to go see his father.
He has gotten over 20 job offers here through a friend of mine. At different places, from tour guiding, to bartending, to boat driver. He has the pick of the litter and he could make some really good money. He could save money even and put it back into Sangkla, build that house finally, or send his father and sister money if he wanted. But he chose not to come. He did come for a week and helped us move in and get settled. But it was so unsettling to have him leave. I have been having panic attacks nightly in the face of doing this all alone. Something I have always feared. He sees Krabi as the same as Sangkla just more expensive. I too see a lot of similarities, but if that's the case, why not move here? And his reasoning is, why not stay there? He can't see outside of his box because he's never been outside of his box. He doesn't want to even try. And that hurts like hell. To know that he chose a town over his wife and child.
I am afraid of what the future holds for us. I am afraid of growing apart. I am afraid of resentment and Asher forgetting him. I mean, it's not like we've broken up or are getting a divorce, but it somehow feels that way. He will come to visit at the end of the month and we will go there at Christmas, but it feels not enough. Because it's the every day things that matter, the little helps that only a husband can give.
In an ideal world we would all be together, in a nice town without trash, with good schools, good friends, family close by. In an ideal world we wouldn't fight over how to parent Asher. In an ideal world I would have a job as a nurse and Amon would have his own business. But, it's not an ideal world. We just have to manage day to day, minute by minute, and hope that one day it will all get better.
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